 |
      |
| Here are all the old news postings from the front page, including those posted under the old website. We couldn't bring ourselves to throw them away. Some are genuine news articles, others are made up. If you can work out which ones are which, you have a better grasp on reality than we do. |
Happy New
Year. New songs added
January 12th 2006
Two songs have been added to the media page. Download them. Don't make us hurt you.
January 12th 2006
Two songs have been added to the media page. Download them. Don't make us hurt you.
Ewan receives
Gospel demo
January 4th 2006
Ewan has finished recording a 5 track demo of Gospel songs. He now plans to play venues and festivals throughout Finland, so hunt him down and see him in action.
January 4th 2006
Ewan has finished recording a 5 track demo of Gospel songs. He now plans to play venues and festivals throughout Finland, so hunt him down and see him in action.
Matt does new website
designs
November 27th 2005
Between designing brain-enhancing equipment for giraffes and writing an award-winning sitcom about death, Matt has been working on some new ideas for the website. They are very orange.
November 27th 2005
Between designing brain-enhancing equipment for giraffes and writing an award-winning sitcom about death, Matt has been working on some new ideas for the website. They are very orange.
Beavers
attack band HQ, are repelled
November 6th 2005
After months of hostility towards the band’s foreign policies, beavers last night attacked Illuminations HQ. Though the insurgency was put down, two band members - Clancy and Bobo - were lost.
November 6th 2005
After months of hostility towards the band’s foreign policies, beavers last night attacked Illuminations HQ. Though the insurgency was put down, two band members - Clancy and Bobo - were lost.
Andrew marries an ape
September 22nd 2005
Celebrations lasted long into the night after the marriage of Illuminations drummer Andrew Tutton and his long-term fiancé Gertrude the Orang-Utan. “This should silence the doubters,” he said in a statement.
September 22nd 2005
Celebrations lasted long into the night after the marriage of Illuminations drummer Andrew Tutton and his long-term fiancé Gertrude the Orang-Utan. “This should silence the doubters,” he said in a statement.
The Illuminations play Finland
April 25th 2005
The 5-piece band perform a 2 hour gig for the students of Ressu in Helsinki. Videos are played, poems are read, and Ultra Bra songs are covered. See the media page for photos of the gig.
April 25th 2005
The 5-piece band perform a 2 hour gig for the students of Ressu in Helsinki. Videos are played, poems are read, and Ultra Bra songs are covered. See the media page for photos of the gig.
Lucy gets airplay on Radio Helsinki
December 18th 2004
Wooooooo, yeah. Nick Triani plays Lucy on his 'best of 2003' show.
December 18th 2004
Wooooooo, yeah. Nick Triani plays Lucy on his 'best of 2003' show.
Illuminations TV gig awaits government go-ahead
November 2nd 2004
The Illuminations are about to play to the asylum seekers at the Oakington Reception Centre. An expectant world holds its breath while Her Majesty's Government ponders whether to let TV cameras record the event. The world is, of course, perfectly indifferent to the whole affair.
November 2nd 2004
The Illuminations are about to play to the asylum seekers at the Oakington Reception Centre. An expectant world holds its breath while Her Majesty's Government ponders whether to let TV cameras record the event. The world is, of course, perfectly indifferent to the whole affair.
Fun with The Digestives - now online
May 3rd 2004
Long-time friends and esteemed colleagues The Digestives get their own site - Visit them here.
May 3rd 2004
Long-time friends and esteemed colleagues The Digestives get their own site - Visit them here.
Islington Studio recording sessions finish
March 13th 2004
And you didn't even know they'd started. Our first 6 professionally recorded songs, thanks to James and Tom.
March 13th 2004
And you didn't even know they'd started. Our first 6 professionally recorded songs, thanks to James and Tom.
New Demo tracks online
February 20th 2004
Some have called it 'the 2004 demo'. Now you can download it and decide for yourself.
February 20th 2004
Some have called it 'the 2004 demo'. Now you can download it and decide for yourself.
New Demo recording begun
November 2nd 2003
Long-awaited plans for a 2003 demo have been put into action. Steve offers to do the mixing, in exchange for pies. Pies are supplied.
November 2nd 2003
Long-awaited plans for a 2003 demo have been put into action. Steve offers to do the mixing, in exchange for pies. Pies are supplied.
Gigs section added
August 20th 2003
Find upcoming gigs on the gigs page. Match up the words and win a donkey.
August 20th 2003
Find upcoming gigs on the gigs page. Match up the words and win a donkey.
King returns from far away lands
June 5th 2003
Long has he wandered distant realms, far from the birthplace of his fathers. Many strange and magical things has he witnessed. Like that time that cow tried to climb over a fence. That was funny. But now his wandering is over - the King has returned. Yes, today Ewan popped back from Finland. No doubt he has brought Matt large quantities of Salmiakki. Soon he will go back again. But until then much music will be played and fun will be had by all. Except the cow. It died.
June 5th 2003
Long has he wandered distant realms, far from the birthplace of his fathers. Many strange and magical things has he witnessed. Like that time that cow tried to climb over a fence. That was funny. But now his wandering is over - the King has returned. Yes, today Ewan popped back from Finland. No doubt he has brought Matt large quantities of Salmiakki. Soon he will go back again. But until then much music will be played and fun will be had by all. Except the cow. It died.
Gig went well, thanks for asking
April 4th 2003
The lads played eight songs. Nobody threw anything.
April 4th 2003
The lads played eight songs. Nobody threw anything.
Demo tracks online
March 9th 2003
Visit the media section to download the 2002 Demo tracks in MP3 format.
March 9th 2003
Visit the media section to download the 2002 Demo tracks in MP3 format.
Demo printing
complete. CDs distributed to the needy
March 5th 2003
The long awaited 2002 Demo CD (known affectionately within the band as 'The Peanuts of Strangers') is finally finished, and will be sent to people on our mailing list shortly. A 4 track and 16 track version is available.
March 5th 2003
The long awaited 2002 Demo CD (known affectionately within the band as 'The Peanuts of Strangers') is finally finished, and will be sent to people on our mailing list shortly. A 4 track and 16 track version is available.
Days Without Ewan Gold enters post-production
January 26th 2003
The long running 'Days Without Ewan' project is set to issue yet another compilation of recordings in the form of Days Without Ewan Gold - the best days without Ewan. The full track list has not yet been finalised but will contain much as yet unreleased material including some newfangled 'electronic' music. the long awaited 'Egrets' is rumoured to make its debut, while the egrets themselves will be required to stay in quarantine for several months to come. Poor little egrets.
January 26th 2003
The long running 'Days Without Ewan' project is set to issue yet another compilation of recordings in the form of Days Without Ewan Gold - the best days without Ewan. The full track list has not yet been finalised but will contain much as yet unreleased material including some newfangled 'electronic' music. the long awaited 'Egrets' is rumoured to make its debut, while the egrets themselves will be required to stay in quarantine for several months to come. Poor little egrets.
2002 followed
directly by 2002. Calendars prove to be correct
January 17th 2003
The band are now rehearsing regularly in London. James buys some earplugs. Rock'n'Roll.
January 17th 2003
The band are now rehearsing regularly in London. James buys some earplugs. Rock'n'Roll.
Rehearsal rooms booked for thrash-madrigal revival
November 30th 2002
Multiple kazoo purchase undertaken in anticipation of Egret-related antics. Too obscure? Sorry.
November 30th 2002
Multiple kazoo purchase undertaken in anticipation of Egret-related antics. Too obscure? Sorry.
Band members sign 3 bedroom deal
November 17th 2002
A recent and highly controversial survey published this week by HELLO! Magazine stated that Matt and James make up nearly 41% of the entire band body weight. Opinions varied greatly - some putting the two at well over 300lbs when standing upright - but on the whole the general public made it clear what they wanted, which was a 23% shift towards total Andrew-based band mass. In theory this would allow the free-floating minds of the other members to float freely.
Concern was voiced over the suggestion that the current Royston-centric mass is to be relocated to Earlsfield in London. This would not only mean that Chris would become gravitationally accelerated due to his Southfields location, but that the vacuum left in Green Street would lead to the sucking in of surrounding objects - possibly dogs and busses. The band refused to comment on these findings.
November 17th 2002
A recent and highly controversial survey published this week by HELLO! Magazine stated that Matt and James make up nearly 41% of the entire band body weight. Opinions varied greatly - some putting the two at well over 300lbs when standing upright - but on the whole the general public made it clear what they wanted, which was a 23% shift towards total Andrew-based band mass. In theory this would allow the free-floating minds of the other members to float freely.
Concern was voiced over the suggestion that the current Royston-centric mass is to be relocated to Earlsfield in London. This would not only mean that Chris would become gravitationally accelerated due to his Southfields location, but that the vacuum left in Green Street would lead to the sucking in of surrounding objects - possibly dogs and busses. The band refused to comment on these findings.
Some of band might rehearse - depends how they feel
November 1st 2002
Spokesman knew nothing about it. Impromptu decision. Possible free thought involved.
November 1st 2002
Spokesman knew nothing about it. Impromptu decision. Possible free thought involved.
Demo update - pictures played with, some approval
October 18th 2002
Also things scanned, much approval, and team dance invented, no approval.
October 18th 2002
Also things scanned, much approval, and team dance invented, no approval.
King transfer complete
October 4th 2002
Complaints of too much snow cloud arrival. Snow said to be 'disappointed'.
October 4th 2002
Complaints of too much snow cloud arrival. Snow said to be 'disappointed'.
Demo Recording complete - Tuttons rejoice
September 29th 2002
No more coke and sausages for Matt. Matt reported to be sad.
September 29th 2002
No more coke and sausages for Matt. Matt reported to be sad.
Negotiations Deadlock Over Helsinki Transfer
September 12th 2002
No more trouble and strife for Nutmeg the giant guinea pig.
September 12th 2002
No more trouble and strife for Nutmeg the giant guinea pig.
Cellar studio floods, towels dampened
September 8th 2002
Mould spotted growing on band members. Spirits remain high.
September 8th 2002
Mould spotted growing on band members. Spirits remain high.
Tutton MkII developed as possible drumming solution
December 24th 1999
Receives Drumkit, becomes amazing drummer.
December 24th 1999
Receives Drumkit, becomes amazing drummer.
